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Area man, (insert name here) of (insert place here), is suing the satirical publication The Onion for defamation of character and slander.

The area man is seeking $1 million in damages, because according to Local attorney, The Onion has repeatedly published false and misleading statements about his client.

"Every week or so for the past few years, The Onion has been writing and publishing articles about my client, claiming such things as 'Area man has naked lady fetish" and "Area man consults internet whenever possible'," said Local attorney when asked about the lawsuit from the court steps.

"My client is constantly degraded and made fun of. How can he look his children and his wife in the eyes when all of America is reading this filth and taking it as gospel?"