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Universal Music Group, the world's largest music label, today announced their intention to purchase EMusic, citing that purchasing the dot com would actually be cheaper than going out and buying their office equipment.

"I mean, look at it this way," commented Larry Kenswil, president, eLabs, Universal Music Group, "Do you know how much office supplies cost nowadays? When was the last time you were at Staples?"

Bargain Deal

Universal will commense a cash tender offer to acquire all of EMusic's outstanding shares at an embarrassing total cost of $435.17.

"We feel that both sides will benefit from this buyout," said Gene Hoffman, EMusic president and CEO, "Universal is getting a great price for all of our computers, pencil sharpeners and Super Soakers, and on our side of the deal we each get a season pass to Universal Studios Hollywood, I mean, I love to throw up my hands when I get on the ET ride. He says my name at the end of every ride…I always think, ET actually knows me!"

The Redwood City, CA based company had been struggling in effort to keep a customer base with such competitors as Napster and iMesh, but with such top artists being offered as Johnny Cash and Rod Stewart, it's shocking to the company why they weren't grabbing customers on a larger scale.

"I mean, sure Rod has yet to regain his voice after his thyroid removal, but the Christmas album he released last year using his electrolarynx was astounding, maybe his best work yet," said Hoffman.

In related news, Universal also announced plans to allow EMusic's employees to remain employed within the company, letting them choose whichever theme park they would like to sell frozen lemonades.