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Monday, April 17, 2001

NASDAQ Dips Below Zero - Investors Owe Money

Uh oh.

Just when it seemed that the stock market couldn't get any worse, the NASDAQ index hit an all time low and actually dropped below zero in late trading yesterday. The composite index currently rests at -5.33.

It appears that some investors will actually owe money and many shareholders may be receiving a bill in the mail. Several fund managers have confimed that investors will be obligated to pay the difference.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Oracle founder, Larry Ellison, lost an estimated $7.1 billion in stock value yesterday and now has to cut a check for another $1.2 billion to cover the negative balance of his portfolio.

A source close to Mr. Ellison said that the recent add campaign featuring a promise that "If Oracle doesn't triple the speed of your business infrastructure Oracle will give you one million dollars" will have to be revised.

"… (we will) continue to sell (the product)," according to Ray Lane, Oracle's president and chief operating officer, "…but…we…will only (be able to guarantee the product for $2.53 now)."

In the same information week article Ellison was quoted as saying, "…we're toast…"

When asked if it was legal to bill an investor for a negative stock value, Richard A. Nusbalm, from Dean Witter and Associates told WP, "Darn tootin' it is. And we'll get away with it too, as long as those kids and that pesky dog don't show up." Mr. A. Nusbalm then laughed maniacally, donned a glowing ghost costume, tilted a painting and exited the room via a trap door in a portion of the wall that was a slightly different color than the rest of the background.

In a press conference early this morning the President was asked how this might affect the economy. President Bush responded by pointing out the window and screaming "Elvis!" When reporters looked back at the podium the President was gone.

Many venture capitalist have even been seen panhandling for "junk bonds" near Wall Street. The once infamous and somewhat illegal practice of buying junk bonds is now, "lookin' pretty good, " according to Michael Milken, the once proclaimed "King of Junk Bonds" who has served 12 years of his 25 year sentence in a minimum security Federal golf resort near Miami.

"My phone has been ringing off the hook!" he told WP in an exclusive telephone interview. "Junk bonds are back and I predict they'll soon be a household name again like Miami Vice or Neil Diamond!"