the Wired Press > Archives

TORA BORA, Afghanistan – In a statement released over local radio in
Tora Bora Afghanistan, terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden, was deeply
upset by the newly released videotape showing him talking informally about
the 9-11 attacks, because according to Bin Laden, it makes him look fat.
Despite the reassurances of friends and relatives Bin Laden reportedly
stormed out of the living cave, falling in a heap on his bed in his bedroom
cave and sobbing softly into a pillow.

Muhammed agrees that the camera adds 10 pounds

The chilling footage shows Bin Laden talking to a Saudi Shaykh and other unidentified men about a dream one of his associates in which a soccer match was to be played between the US and Afghanistan. When all the players showed up for the match, all the Afghan players were pilots. US soccer coach, Bruce Arena, told The Wired Press that “If such a match took place the US would win easily unless the Afghan players cheated by lacing the ball with anthrax or sneaking box cutters into the match, which would clearly be against FIFA rules.”

Reaction to the tape by experts was varied. Gene Shallit of Good Morning America thought that it was a “Chilling thriller by a master of terror”. Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times raved that the tape was “Truly Creepy…a historic landmark of independent filmmaking.”

Some Americans find the showing of the tape on television offensive. Harold Schaitberger of the International Association of Firefighters feels that showing the tape continuously during this holiday season is offensive. “Soccer is not an American sport. Americans should be thinking about the NFL, college football, basketball or even hockey over the holidays, not soccer."

- Clark Brandon