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Thursday, September
16, 2004 Somewhere-istan -- Osama Bin Laden released a statement in support of the lifting of the assault weapons ban in the US. "Acquiring assault weapons on the black market is such a hassle. We spend a lot of extra money and time getting guns and ammo illegally. The worst part is that you never get a warranty. What happens if your AR-15 jams right in the middle of the floor of the New York Stock Exchange? Now you can go down the street and exchange it for a new one. I love America! Just kidding. You can all die." Many other celebrities have surprisingly come out in favor of lifting the ban. Oprah Winfrey has recently jumped on the bandwagon. In a show that was taped last week, she invited victims of violent crime to be members of the studio audience. Much to everyone's surprise at the end of the show, everyone was given a fully automatic Kalishnikov assault rifle with a years supply of free ammo compliments of Big 5 Sporting Goods. "I just wanted to do something nice for these people. They have suffered so much at the hands of violent criminals. It's a feeling of powerlessness that seems to go away when you are draining a 12 inch banana clip full of hollow point bullets with your AK." The person looking forward to the lifting of the ban the most could be Charlton Heston, the current President of the National Rifle Association. "I think it is important that every man, woman and child learn how to operate a firearm safely. Some people think the NRA is just a bunch of militaristic lunatics, but I am hoping to change that image. When the apes come and enslave your family, we'll see who's crazy."
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