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Wednesday,
March 5, 2004
God punishes Ashcroft for anti-gay marriage stance WASHINGTON - Not a fan of bigotry, the Good Lord has seen it fit to strike down Attorney General John Ashcroft for his attempts to prevent US cities from issuing marriage licenses to gay couples. While giving a speech advocating a constitutional amendment that would say marriage is strictly a union between a man and a woman, a flash of light appeared from the sky and the Attorney General began clutching his side in pain. He is currently hospitalized in an intensive care unit for a severe case of gallstone pancreatitis, a painful condition. Ashcroft's ambulance was also delayed on its way to the hospital by a plague of locusts. While being wheeled into the ER, Ashcroft was pelted with frogs and fish that seemed to come from the sky. His condition apparently worsened after receiving a phone call from a concerned President Bush, who told Ashcroft a gay midget joke to cheer him up. "How does a gay midget announce to the world that he's gay?" said Bush. "I give up?" said Ashcroft. "He comes out of the cupboard!" According to eyewitnesses, the Attorney General's laughter was interrupted by his ECG flatlining for a few seconds. Luckily the critical care nurses were able to revive him. A representative from the Uncle Tom's Log Cabin Club, a group comprised of gay Republicans, released a statement this morning in support of Ashcroft in the face of pressure from the Religious Left. "As gay Republicans, we hold fast to our belief that conservative economic and social policy is the right policy for this country. We are gay and rich as hell, so as long as we keep getting tax breaks, the breeders can keep their marriage licenses." Pro-gay marriage activist see things a little differently. "I deserve the chance to have a nasty divorce and raise maladjusted and hateful children just like the rest of America. I feel like if gay people don't have the same opportunity to be as miserable as straight people, then what kind of country do we live in?" said Rosie O'Donnell while absently stabbing at a signed picture of Tom Selleck with a pencil. In an exclusive interview with The Wired Press, God remarked, "Gibson is next." - Clark Brandon |
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