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Monday,
February 16, 2004
Presidential military records turn up odd twist By Blix Panda After combing through hundreds of pages of President Bush’s recently released military records, Democratic leaders were shocked to find that the president actually died in combat sometime in November of 1970. Shocked congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle will call for an immediate investigation following a vigil for the now fallen president. “This is all a real shock to us,” said a top White House aide. “During cabinet briefings it always seemed like he wasn’t really there, but to now find out that he really wasn’t, is well, kind of chilling.” As to the effect this will have on the campaign, Republican leadership remained unsure. “This president has always run on his record, it stands for itself and we believe that where it stands is where it stands,” said presidential spokesman Scott McClelland, holding back tears, slightly dazed from the odd turn of events. “We still have a campaign to run and we will not take it lying down,” McClelland later quipped to a curbed laugh from the press gallery. In what many republicans are calling grandstanding, candidate and former P.O.W. Bob Kerry called on Vietnamese leaders to release all records on the possible whereabouts of the president who is now listed as “missing in action.” Details of the president’s demise are still unclear. According to some reports the former Mr. Bush slipped down a flight of stairs while leaving a bar in Saigon following a night of drinking with fellow officers. These reports are as yet unconfirmed. In a bout of expected hysteria, the Bush family has called on the Pentagon to exhume the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier for DNA testing. Calls to the president for comment went unanswered at the time of this writing.
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