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We at The Wired Press have always wondered why big budget public health awareness campaigns like “The Truth” focus on cigarette smoking and tobacco manufacturers while leaving the fast food companies untouched. More Americans die every year from heart disease than cancer or any other cause.

We decided to investigate and what we found was a sordid web of sabotage, deceit and even murder at the hands of some of Americas most beloved and trusted public figures.

scary ain't it?

January 10th, 1998:
Lucy Stingal, a veteran of numerous causes based organizations such as the Southern Poverty Law Center and Amnesty International was found dead in her home, the victim of a savage stomping. She had been preparing a public awareness campaign about the dangers of fast food when, according to Forensic evidence, she was stomped to death by a professional killer wearing size 38 narrow shoes. Fragments obtained from the crime scene indicate that the shoes were bright red. Witnesses report what they think must have been a black man with a bright red afro, a yellow prison jumpsuit, sporting red and white striped socks running from the house and jumping into a ‘73 El Camino being driven by a “big purple thing”.

March 3rd, 1998:
Mumia Abdu Sharif-Raheem, a journalist, was researching a story on the incredibly high levels of saturated fats found in Kentucky Fried Chicken when he was attacked in an alley by an animated southern gentlemen armed with a cane that kept screaming “Booyah! Booyah!” as he repeatedly struck Abdu Sharif-Raheem with his walking stick. When he was finish, he reportedly stood over the bleeding journalists licking his fingers. He then jumped through the open window of an orange Dodge Charger and made an escape shortly before police arrived and shot Mumia dead for being black in an alley.

February 26th, 1984:
Harvey Milkshake, an Oakland California supervisor, who had just sponsored a ballot measure to have warning notices concerning fat content posted on the door of all Wendy’s restaurants. He tragically was attacked by a mysterious old woman and her two hard-of-hearing accomplices at a press conference. The woman was seen arguing with the other two elderly suspects about what the supervisor had just said. She then suddenly screamed, “Where’s the beef, bitch!?!” and threw a thermos full of hot fry-grease onto Milkshake, horribly burning his face. The woman escaped amid the confusion and the ballot measure soon lost support in city hall.

December 12th, 2000:
Gnome Chlotsky, a renowned writer, was putting the finishing touches on his tell-all book about Taco Bell beef called “Beef: a Pork Byproduct” when his manuscript along with his 30 room Seattle mansion were destroyed by an arsonist that has been described as a “creepy little dog with an accent.” The Hispanic male is believed to be 5 to 7 inches tall and approximately 4-5 lbs. The pint-size assassin is known only as “Carlos the Jackal” and has been responsible for many of the assassinations in Mexico’s often bloody political history.

February 13th, 2002:
Social Worker and crusader Leonard Pelteri died while watching a Burger King TV commercial Featuring B.B. King. The coroner has classified it as a rare form of “death from exposure to bad taste”. The crassly commercial ads, that appear to have been storyboarded by a developmentally disabled 7 year old, have a subliminal element to them. If they are slowed down individual frames can be seen that show an older black man clutching a guitar stuffed with money, being sodomized by a giant hamburger with a crown.